Existential Ruminations ~

A frustrated middle-aged youth
A disgusted new-born adult
A young lady with little disperesed grey hairs
Coming out of her scarf
Shadows of wrinkles upon her forehead
Half smiling to the awkward being before her.
A still figure behind the dusty spots on her mirror
Her eyes staring back at her
Her eyelashes foggy under her heavy monotonous breathing
She clutches her heart with a sweaty palm
She tilts her head mocking that strange reflection
Ever so strange !
Do I know you ?
Yes !
I'm 5 years old
I'm a chubby little girl
Running with my boyish hair
With my tiny sticky thighs
My hands smeared with candy and cheap chocolate
Biting lollipops with my crooked teeth
I was happy
I didn't know Regret.

I'm 8 years old
I'm a left-handed little rebel
Designing dresses for my headless barbies
Drawing shapeless forms in my coloring book
Writing nonsensical animal short stories
Proud of my sweet nothings
I didn't know Reward.

I'm 11 years old
I'm a nasty mischievous pre-adolescent
Petting stray "Arab" bony dogs
Throwing grapes on evil neighbors
Sheltering dirty kittens in a small box
Sharing my Aid meat with my dog

I didn't know Unkindness
I didn't know Indifference
I didn't heed consequences
I didn't care for "accepted" girly behavior
Pretty little girls didn't like me
The rough girl with an attitude
The pet hoarder
The still-chubby kid with a weird sense of fashion
Book-sniffing in a distant corner
I didn't know Conformity

I'm 17 years old
Eyes shining behind twisted glasses
Wearing over-sized T-shirts
Dancing to senseless Bollywood songs
Fascinated by stupid rom-coms
Roses and rainbows and never-ending loves
I didn't know masked affections
and loveless "I love you's"

I'm 20 years old
I'm an odd lady in the making
With angry black curls
Humming classical music tunes
Noone hums them with me
Cause they're old and uncool
Just wordless music and me ..
I did know Art
That Art is free
And so is me.

I'm 25 years old
Sleep-walking through adulthood
Thrust into these repeated patterns of existence
Bumpy journeys into sameness, unpaid bills,
Scattered papers on a rusty desk
Adulthood is marked by papers ..
By reluctant compromises
By scary normality

The little carefree self is entrapped
The wicked rebel is tamed
The adult wins the battle of souls
Walking drowsily down a common path
Drooling over trivialities
Treading on his sweet peculiarities
And his secret dear-diary, unrecognized
Most intimate passions ..